June
22nd -28th
Dear Alice,
I could use some sisterly advice about my sister-in-law! On a few occasions she has brought up issues she is having with her husband, my brother. I often feel like she is looking for me to take her side or throw my brother under the bus. But it could be that she’s just looking for some understanding she’s not getting from him. Or perhaps she is turning to me as a person who knows my brother better than most and can commiserate over some of his shortcomings. No matter the reason, I don’t want to be dragged into their marital discord and am not sure how to respond in a way that feels compassionate but also sets boundaries.
-Twisted Sister
Dear Twisted Sister,
You can complain to your sister about YOUR husband but you can NOT complain to your sister-in-law about HER brother! That is just plain dumb on so many levels. Sounds like we are dealing with an emotionally immature woman. If you want to respond, meet her half way. She complains about a particular shortcoming and your response is; “Yeah, ha! That is totally one of his quirks, gotta love that guy!”. You are validating her story and putting a different spin on it. You are making it clear that you love him and will not be talking shit about him. She’s going to get bored with you and then probably never talk to you again.
Dear Alice,
I live in a small rural area and have one close neighbor across the street. close refers only to geography. They're extremely nosy, endlessly curious about everyone else's business, and generally quite annoying. That said, we're cordial, and we occasionally help each other out if an issue arises. I'm hosting a party and wondering - do I need to invite them out of neighborly duty, or is it acceptable to skip the invitation and simply accept that they'll know all about the party anyway?
Thanks for any help!
Dear Neighbor,
If you are having a daytime open-house style party, I’d say it can’t hurt to extend an invitation to them, especially if other neighbors are invited - but if this is ANY other type of party or event you should 100% NOT invite them, none of your friends want to be stuck talking to the annoying neighbors. If they get pissy for whatever reason, you may be taken off their future guest lists, and wouldn’t that be a special treat.
June
15th-21st
Dear Alice,
I know we are supposed to boycott Amazon because Jeff Bezos is a billionaire pig from hell, but it is so. damn. convenient. Especially since gas prices are high, making driving to Kingston or Oneonta a total money pit, not to mention a carbon "spiked heel" footprint. I'm in a moral dilemma here. What is a rural babe to do? Help! (And I am only talking about unavailable essentials only here).
Dear Torn,
Not to burst your bubble but the carbon footprint is lower ordering from Amazon than it is driving 45+ minutes each way in your car. My father once told me back when I was 16 that I had to pick my battles, if I boycotted everything I was outraged by I’d be naked and starving. If you are really concerned there are lists of online shopping sites that probably have the AOC/Bernie Sanders stamps of approval, you will maintain the convenience of click shopping but will be keeping your money out of Bezos’ wife’s boobs & face.
Dear Alice:
I have a friend who lost her husband in the last year. While I have been extremely supportive- talking on the phone, visiting her and chatting with her whenever she needs to vent, I am starting to feel as though I am her only support system. It's beginning to cause a strain on my psyche. I am not a very close friend with this woman and I have my own life to worry about. How do I tactfully move a bit away from this responsibility without ending or damaging the friendship?
Dear Strained,
I was going to initially suggest you do a gentle ghosting on this person but maybe there is another option.
I just watched a very inspiring video about the positive effects of quiet quitting.
Think of this friendship as a job (sounds like it’s starting to feel like one), reduce your efforts to where they were when you were “hired” by this person as a peripheral friend. Don’t answer the phone when she calls, text back a few hours later with: “Got your call, hope you are feeling better”. Keep responding to her but exclusively with texts and keep increasing your response times. She wont be able to say you abandoned her, because you haven’t and you wont feel drained since your efforts will be minimal.
June
8th-14th
Dear Alice,
My adult daughter (26) wants to use a room in my house to record her music. She doesn't live with me. It's really a closet and, if I'm honest, I wouldn't really care. But my wife, stepmother of daughter, says no way. She says that she should get her own space for recording something. I told my daughter she can't and now she's mad at me. What should I do?
Dear Feeling Guilty,
Firstly, I would like to applaud your wife for being direct about what she wants/needs and you for respecting her wishes. Does your daughter live next door and wants to pop over from time to time to use the closet/make shift recording studio? Or is she actually asking to move in under the guise of needing that closet for her music? It may be time to sit down with your daughter and find out what is really going on. Is she lonely? Is she having trouble where she lives? If not, maybe she just needs help finding a local recording studio rental, or suggest spending some father/daughter time to help her build out the closet in her own home. But I have a hunch this isn’t about the studio.
Dear Alice,
I recently donated thousands of vintage textile swatches to a local small business. I was happy to have other artists use the fabrics; I felt they were going to “a good home”. In exchange for this valuable donation, one of the partners promised me an antique item from his collection as a thank you. After an few attempts to politely request this item, he has not replied and has actually “ghosted” me. As we live in a small town rural area, I am unhappy with this disrespectful treatment, and regret my generosity. We know many people in common, and I cannot truthfully recommend them or their business. Do you have any advice on handling the situation?
Dear ghosted,
Some people have zero class and you just came across a couple of those people. They made a promise to you but due to their smarmy nature, they have decided not to follow through. Sadly, my advice to you is to let it go. But remember, letting go doesn’t mean you can’t tell everyone you know the story of this rotten “exchange” and as you know, news travels quickly in our small communities.
Dear Alice,
I have a friend that is always seeing the glass as half empty. I love this friend, but sometimes they are a real bummer. How can I say they can choose to be more positive and thus avoid exhausting me without seeming like a total toxic positivity queen? Signed, Glass Half Full
Dear Glass Half Full,
Glass half empty folks come from a place of fear. Without sugar coating life in general, maybe listen to your friend’s complaints and offer some other ways of looking at whatever situation is causing their anxiety. You could also try starting your hang session with a challenge “let’s both force ourselves to be super positive on this sunny day” and see what happens. You could also be very direct with them, “your negative thoughts are a buzz kill, is there something I can do to help you see things in a more positive light?”. And try to refrain from downplaying your own positive attitude for your friend’s benefit, there is nothing toxic about being joyful!
June
1st - 7th
Dear Alice,
My neighbor sets off fireworks for fun whenever he likes. I have expressed to him that it is very unnerving to me and my dog. I have asked him to be more considerate but he refuses to stop. What do I do?
Dear Unnerved,
If you had said once a year for 4th of July your dogs are unnerved by the scary sounds, I would have said book a hotel for you and the pup in some other country over the holiday. But setting off fireworks at random times throughout the year is unacceptable, especially since you have asked him multiple times to be considerate. He may actually be hoping for a visit from you, and setting them off when he feels lonely. I’m not recommending you go over there again, but a visit from local law enforcement might just be the visitor he needs to stop this behavior. You could also call town hall and ask about noise ordinances and the legality of fireworks/firecrackers, the issue with taking this route is the person answering the phone may be one of your neighbor’s overly protective cousins.
Dear Alice,
I've turned 50 and realize that I hate everybody. I have no friends and when I see my old friends, I always regret it. It's not like I'm miserable. And I'm not a crotchety old man. Should I just go on like this, or should I try to make new friends?
Dear Only a Little Crotchety,
There is a saying, if you meet more than one asshole a day, you are probably the asshole. I am guessing you don’t actually hate everyone, since the prospect of making new friends is still on the table. I agree that repeating regrettable experiences isn’t a healthy pattern, so moving on from people who no longer spark joy is absolutely acceptable. But try to not be an asshole and go make some new friends.
Dear Alice,
I’ve recently lost 20 lbs and wondering if I should save my “fat” clothes for when I inevitably gain the weight back?
Dear Thinner,
Well, you aren’t a hoarder since you are asking the question. And by the same reasoning, you probably aren’t an environmentalist. You are a practical person, who is torn between never again wanting to see the clothes of heavier days and not wanting to regret tossing some hard earned treasures that you may once again get to enjoy. Let’s toss all the ill-fitting fast fashion you may have accumulated, and keep a few classics. Revisit your wardrobe every several months; fashions change, bodies change, personal tastes change. Oh, and invest in a sewing machine, you can try to alter items to the point that they become ruined, then you may feel less guilty about tossing them.
