May
18th-24th

Dear Raging,

Your feelings are neither “right" or “wrong”, they just are. I suppose the question is why are you having such strong feelings. Are you a baby hater? Or in need of some extra attention or care yourself? The meal train is a simple way for friends and family to say they care and are thinking about the new parents. The ones who are participating by calling a restaurant rather than cooking may just be too busy themselves, or don’t know how to cook (which is a whole other issue). I can see how this thing can cause emotional pressure for someone ambivalent about joining in. It can also be a pain in the ass for your rich new parent friends, did anyone ask them in advance if they wanted to deal with a bunch of food coming to their door at all hours for days on end? Before you get too worked up, fantasize about your friends being as full of rage and contempt as you are, multiple NOBU deliveries in single day can be very off putting. Another possibility is that you are from a different generation, KIDS THESE DAYS are doing things that may seem privileged or entitled or lazy to someone who grew up in a time when people were perhaps more self sufficient.

Dear Alice,

I believe men and women can be friends. I have several close male friends I’ve known since college and all their wives hate me. Am I just too hot to be considered a non threat?

Dear too hot,

You can continue believing men and women can be friends and your friend’s wives can believe something entirely different. We are all free to believe what we want. Children stop believing in Santa Clause around age 8, and women stop believing men and women can be friends once they marry a man. You being “hot" definitely doesn’t help the situation. I have a friend who was insanely jealous of her man’s friendship with a woman she had never met, he was going to this woman's town for a business trip and my friend was out of her mind that they were going to see each other. She was able to find an image of the woman online, immediately assuaging any jealousy. The woman was what we may call "the opposite of hot”. You can continue being friends with men, but your friendships with married men whose wives hate you will most likely not survive. The wives that continue to allow you to hang with their hubbies either have strong self esteem, or simply don’t think you are “all that”.

Dear spouse of a fat guy,

I knew a woman who injected her overweight 8 year old daughter with GLP-1s while the child slept.

The girl did, in fact, lose weight much to her mother’s delight. Her seemingly otherwise happy daughter’s size was weighing on her, just as your husband’s extra pounds weigh on you. Do you feel like his flab is a reflection of the state of your marriage? Is he actually happy? Or does he pretend to not care, the thought of doing the hard work of slimming down too terrifying? When you made your marriage vows did you say “in sickness and in health” or did it go something like this: “no bait and switching, you must remain at least remotely attractive”. The importance of autonomy over one’s own body is unparalleled yet I believe that spousal duties include a certain level of maintenance, even if not specifically called out during that giddy time when you both looked super hot. Tell him his extra layer isn’t attractive to you. Don’t sugar coat it with “I really care about your health”. The conversation could go something like this, “I love you, I no longer love your body.”.

Dear Alice,

My annoying sister keeps calling my partner of 16 years by my ex’s name, to his face. WTF?!

Dear Annoyed,

I can imagine how stressful that might be, to socialize with both your sister and partner, constantly in fear of a possible misnaming. You mentioned that your sister was “annoying”, and I don’t doubt that, but I wonder what she would be gaining by this faux pas? Although it seems disrespectful, especially after all these years, she may suffer from “Loved-one name substitution error". This psychological phenomenon tends to happen with names of people who live in the same emotional category in their brains. For example, my mother would call me both my male and female siblings names before she would land on mine. Back to your sister. Have you spoken to her privately about this? Perhaps you can have a conversation with her that goes something like this, “I know you care about X (your partner) and don’t mean to offend him, but it is actually uncomfortable for both me and X when you misname him. I am wondering if you could take a breath before you say X’s name in the future, this could possibly help break your misnaming habit”.

As far as her other annoying qualities, it’s best to give people grace and set strong boundaries. Restrict time with people who deplete you. And as you probably know, you can’t change someone; you can only change how you react to them.

Dear Alice,

My husband has gotten fat. He knows and doesn’t seem to mind. I mind. What do I do?!

Dear Alice,

My husband of 26 years is a contractor. We have a lovely home, but we need an addition to accommodate our growing family (grandkids!). Of course my husband would do a fantastic job building the new space but he just isn’t doing it. I had a friend draw up plans, and I am happy to help pull permits but what do I do next? I have been told by my husband that hiring someone else to do the work it is out of the question. What I need from you is advice on how I can move this project along without causing marital issues.

Signed, Not so patient in the Catskills

Dear Not so patient,

It’s not clear to me if the grandkids exist yet or if you are planning ahead. If there are in fact children in the family, perhaps having everyone come visit at the same time could convince your husband that more space is in fact needed, and as soon as possible! You could also compromise, maybe agree to hire someone to do the excavation and exterior, your husband will then see a started project, and can step in to do the framing and sheetrock. Of course, you will need to hire someone to do the finish work because from my experience husbands who are contractors usually stop at the 80% completion point and call it a day. He may actually like this plan because he can still say he built the addition and it will get done without cutting into too much of his spare time.

Dear Alice,

My neighbor feeds the bears. He feeds ALL the wildlife. He knows it’s not good for the people or the animals. He knows that bears that are too comfortable around humans may be killed by wildlife officers. He knows I am not happy with him, but I know he has a temper and a gun, what are my next steps?

Signed, Don’t want to get shot

Dear Don’t want to get shot,

You have a few options here. You could cover yourself with apple pie and lay out in the yard and hopefully get mauled by the bear. This would surely teach your neighbor a lesson and he would probably stop feeding the animals. If this doesn’t appeal to you, you could send an anonymous letter to the authorities with your complaint. Be sure to sign it “the whole town”, make sure to type (not hand-write) the letter and wear gloves when handling, and be sure not to leave your saliva on the envelope. I do think it’s important for this neighbor to be educated by a DEC Officer, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m guessing he “knows” the rules but doesn’t really understand why the rules are in place. Some people just aren’t that sharp and stuff.

Dear hater,

I might need more information but let’s review a few scenarios and you can decide from there. If she seems madly in love, I would leave it alone. If she seems conflicted, I would wait until her next complaint session and then jump in with some thoughts of your own. Leave them slightly open ended (for example, don’t say “I hate him too”, in case she decides to keep him forever). Maybe ask her a few leading questions, like “you sound so annoyed, any chance you would be happier without him…..?”. The best course of action is to talk shit about him behind your friend’s back, to other like minded people in your social group. It’s a really fun activity to hate on gross dudes with close friends, so this may be a positive after all!

Dear Alice,

I have two sisters who I adore. They each have two children. I adore one sister's kids; they are smart, engaging, fun, and all around thoughtful young adults. My other sister's kids, on the other hand, are boring, anti-social, and never feel the need to say "thank you" for birthday or holiday gifts. Should I feel bad about this? I have a hard time hiding my preference.

Dear Auntie (or Uncle?),

Are you asking if you should feel shame or guilt about preferring thoughtful engaging smart and fun people over boring ingrates? Or are you struggling with the fact that you can’t “play nice” in the presence of the over indulged shit-head ones? For the sake of keeping peace within the family, it’s best to remain friendly and polite when dealing with the two bad ones, no need to make trouble. But absolutely continue growing strong bonds with the two you adore. It sounds like everyone is an adult now, and you are by no means required to give gifts to people who don’t show appreciation and you are NOT required to like (or love for that matter) people just because you share a bit of DNA with them. The matching DNA sometimes does come in handy - for instance, if and when you are asked to donate a kidney, your true feelings will be revealed.

Dear Alice,

My neighbors have chickens and a rooster. The rooster does its morning wakeup call every day, and it's driving me NUTS. What should I do??

Dear Awake,

I would first check with town hall to find out what the zoning laws are. If for some reason roosters are allowed, there may be noice ordinances that can offer some protection. I believe your neighbors' lot needs to be a certain size in order to have a rooster, you could try to get the neighbor to move the rooster to the other side of his property so he can wake up the townsfolk on that side of his house instead of you. You could also add a cow, coyote, donkey and a few other noisy animals, spend a few weeks listening to them all cry out, then remove them. The sole rooster’s racket will seem like child’s play in comparison and you will be cured!

Dear Alice,

My friend is dating a tool. Do I tell her I hate him?

Dear Alice,

Why does everyone in town know where I was yesterday before I get home?

Dear small town resident,

Ahhhh, if that’s all they know about you, consider yourself blessed.

Dear Alice,

Some friends of mine just had their first child. A friend of theirs organized a meal train. My friends are rich, and can afford their own food. And it seems the participants are sending dinners from fancy restaurants rather than making home cooked meals. I have chosen not to participate, but beyond that, I am full of rage and contempt.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Dear Alice,

My friends come over for dinner parties. The women are all very social and fun to be around. Their male partners often sit at the dinner table on their phones during dinner. I have a no-phones policy at the dinner table but it’s hard to remind a grown man to stay off his phone, and it’s not my job to police them. Or is it? Am I the one with the issue?

Signed, Get off your fucking phone, DUDE

Dear Get off your fucking phone,

Did I hear you say, "Girl’s Night”? But I get it, sometimes the dudes get to join. But they aren’t really joining, are they? They are useful though, they can carry things like bottles of wine, drive home on pitch black nights in crap weather, and things of that nature. Perhaps the guys aren’t feeling that engaged at the dinner table, now I am not blaming the victim here, but just trying to wrap my head around why they would schlep to someone’s home only to bury their faces in their phones. You ask if it’s you who has the issue. And my answer is yes. You are the one who doesn’t like this particular behavior, YOU. The dude on the phone is probably very content so it’s safe to say he isn’t the one with the issue. Learn how to accept their behavior or don’t invite them to your house for dinner anymore.

May 18th-24th

May
18th-24th