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Anonymous questions, honest answers, and a little Catskills wisdom served fresh each week.

About Alice

October
12th - 18th

Dear Alice,

I recently gave a ride to an acquaintance. She got in the car with a slice of pizza and a full, uncapped iced coffee. When I turned into our destination the full iced coffee (which she had untethered at her feet) spilled into the footbed. She mopped it up with paper towels, but despite repeated attempts on my part with stronger and stronger cleaning products, the rancid sour milk smell remains. What should I do?
Signed, My Car is my Temple

Dear My Car is my Temple,

OUTRAGE. Was this person born in a barn? Let her know you are still having issues after trying several cleaning products and that you need to take car in for a deep professional cleaning. Find out the cost before contacting this woman. Once you know, ask her if she would be willing to reimburse you for the cleaning costs and in the same text or email send her your Venmo info and thank her for understanding. I also am interested in knowing if her slice of pizza looked tasty, if so, let us know where she got it!

Dear Alice,

IRL if someone is 5 minutes late for a meeting it’s acceptable. But I think a minute late on a Zoom meeting is infuriating. How long would you wait on a zoom before logging off?
Signed, Impatient

Dear Impatient,

It depends. Are you the child of the late person? The boss? The employee? If you are the child, no matter what this parent does they are probably annoying you. You said “meeting” so I’m thinking this is a work Zoom. If you are the boss, you wait 5-8 minutes but only if you have the time and were told the person is running late due to another important meeting that you know everything about. Hopefully it was them calling the meeting, let them know you aren’t available to re-schedule for another 5 months. If you are the employee, you wait 10-15 minutes, always have a bottle of nail polish nearby or a doodle pad - to keep busy while you are waiting. If you hate your job, hang up after 8 minutes. If you like your job, do your nails and hang in there.

Dear Alice,

My husband is handsome and always smells good. He goes to the dentist every six months. And always gets a "well done". But I just found out he only brushes his teeth twice a week! What the serious fuck?! Should I get involved?

Signed, Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out,

OMG. In the off chance this is a legit query, I am going to attempt to answer it. Does he suffer from anxiety? Is he super lazy? What gives? Since he gets a “well done” from his dentist, maybe this is a new habit. I can’t imagine anyone’s teeth can survive a lifetime of neglect. I would let him know he’s dodged a bullet and it’s time to start caring. Get him a new fancy electric toothbrush as a gift. And find him a palatable tooth paste, maybe a kid’s product, since it seems like you are dealing with a child like dude.

OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER:
Any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, mysterious hieroglyphics masquerading as letters, or sentences that make absolutely no sense are the sole responsibility of artificial intelligence. Alice accepts no liability for robot stupidity.

One Last Thing About Robots_Text Only .png

September / October
28th - 04th

Dear Alice,

My father died. My sister was living with him (and off him) and has some entitlement issues. She put his dogs down after he died, then buried him without telling me and my brother (who both live out of state) and felt like his belongings and his house belonged to her. Dad's will said otherwise. We sold the house and split everything up (that she hadn't sold behind our backs) and after everything was settled, she told me and my brother she never wanted to see or speak with us again. I am heartbroken. Do I fight for this relationship, or let it go?
Signed, Bereft

Dear Bereft,

Initially I wanted to hate on your sister, but the grieving process is different for everyone. Your sister lived with your dad, cared for him, and yes, took advantage of him. I am not saying her loss was greater than yours; but she lost her dad, her roommate, the roof over her head, and the petty cash and other perks she was getting from living with him. You and your brother came in like outsiders making decisions, it all might have moved too quickly for her. She probably was already resenting you and your brother for whatever real or made up reasons she needed to justify living off of your father. I would let her know you love her and that you are sorry for how everything went down after your father died and that you are available for her when she is ready, then give her some time. And get yourself some help dealing with not only the loss of your father but also your sister.

Dear Alice,

When I married my wife many years ago, she had two teenagers. A son and a daughter. The daughter has always had issues with me. Fast forward to current times. My wife died a few years ago. Her children are grown and have grown children of their own (they are my grandchildren and I am very close with all of them). My grandson (the son of the step daughter that has issues with me)is getting married. He called me the other day to tell me his mother doesn't want me to be invited to his wedding, she actually listed a few people she doesn't want him to invite.I told him I would support whatever decision he ends up making, but also told him to talk to his father (the husband of the stepdaughter, I have a good relationship with him). How do I handle this situation moving forward?
Signed, Affable Grandpa

Dear Affable Grandpa,

Sounds like this step-daughter of yours has a stick up her ass. But this isn’t about her (or her husband!!!!). This is about your grandson. The decision he makes about his wedding’s guest list will determine how successful this marriage will be. He is a grown man, he should not have to go to either of his parents for a final say on who should and shouldn’t come to his wedding. Unless you aren’t telling me a key piece of information, did you inflict some sort of real trauma onto this stepdaughter? I am assuming no, since you were given the opportunity to be a Grandpa to her children. The problem is, this overbearing spiteful woman raised your grandson. He needs to grow a pair and decide what kind of man he wants to be, one that makes his own decisions, or one whose psyche still lives in the womb?

Dear Alice,

Do you think I should talk to my husband about my fantasies about women? (I am one, btw). I feel guilty, like I'm cheating even though I have never cheated in my life and don't plan on it. But it's really weighing on my conscience.
Thanks, help!
Signed, Sorry-not-sorry

Dear Sorry-not-sorry,

Keep that shit to yourself (and keep on ENJOYING!)...

September
21st - 27th

Dear Alice.

My high school reunion is in 3 weeks, nevermind which year thank you very much, and I'm super torn. I really liked high school, I have kept in touch with some people throughout the years, and yet. Alice, I know that many (if not most of) of my classmates are Trumpers. They are nice people (?) but I don't know if I can stomach this! Much less PAY MONEY (way more than usual thanks to their stupid vote) to party with these people. But! I won't see them again for 5-10 more years if I don't. I may be dead by then! I don't know what to do. What if they wear the hats??
Also I'm tired. Also I hate flying. Also I love nostalgia. See???? I'm a mess!
signed, Old and Confused

Dear Old and Confused,

If making the trip is going to break the bank, or be a financial strain in any way, forgo the reunion. Your emergency funds should go to just that, emergencies. BUT, don’t let preconceived notions guide your opportunity to spend time with people who you enjoy and trust just because they have different opinions from yours. All the more reason to go, you may learn something. Go with an open mind, and tuck your own hat (I know you have a few) in your bag, just in case it’s YOU who needs a bit of non-verbal armor.

Hi Alice,

I started dating a dry alcoholic about 9 months ago. He is very sweet and has been a fairly good partner. I found out he is drinking again, I think for only a few weeks. What's my next move? How do I stay in the relationship but not enable him? He is still a sweet guy, but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Signed, Waiting and Wondering.

Dear Waiting and Wondering,

I am sorry you are going through this. Although relapses are part of recovery, this is about you and your emotional well-being, not his. You may very well have hooked up with a “dry drunk”, someone who had stopped drinking for a period of time, but had not done the work to protect himself from relapses. I strongly recommend you pop into an Al-Anon meeting for some perspective from other’s who have been there, done that. Define clear boundaries with him, decide what you will and will not tolerate. Be kind to yourself and try not to get sucked into his drama. 9 months isn’t a very long time, you may be just starting to see his patterns. If you hang in there, be prepared for this to be a repeated cycle throughout the rest of your lives together.

Dear Alice,

I have a husband, and we have been separated for 4 years. I recently texted him that we need to start divorce proceedings, but he is giving me a hard time about it (doesn't want to do it) and I don't have the money for a long, drawn out divorce. What should I do?
Signed, Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Four years is a generous amount of time for a separation. You have let him know your intentions, now go ahead with the paperwork (do it all yourself, he isn’t going to be of any help). Be nice and be calm towards him as you move forward with the proceedings, things will go much smoother if you show some compassion and he will be more apt to sign the final papers. GET IT DONE, the hard part is OVER!!!!

September
07th - 13th

Dear Alice.

I have been happily married for twenty years. I started taking a glp-1 to help with menopause symptoms (Yes it’s a miracle drug!) and I feel amazing. Less anxious. Better sleep. Less moody. And also, I have lost forty pounds. My husband is now not attracted to me. He likes a plumper girl, not a bony stick figure. I want him to be attracted to me! But I also love the way I feel in my new tiny body. What do I do? Signed, Feeling Good

Dear Feeling Good,

I am going to go out on a limb here and assume you are currently about the same weight you were on your wedding day and that both you and your husband gained 40+ lbs together over the past twenty years. Your weight loss has triggered something within your husband. It’s way easier to say he likes a plumper woman than to say - "SHIT, I have to get my act together and get healthy with my wife”. If you asked him if he is enjoying a less anxious, less moody, well rested wife, I am sure he would say “Oh, yes”. I don’t like a bait & switch, but I don’t think that’s what happened here. I think you found a way back to your old self, and you may have to take a bit of your new found energy to help him get there with you.

Hi Alice,

My daughter’s best friend, whose mother is a great friend of mine, told me she was getting a tattoo, but her mom didn't know. I volunteered "I won't tell her”, Should I have not said that and told her Mom? The daughter is 18, nothing Mom can do but the Mom could have discouraged it. I tried to encourage daughter to make sure it was going to be something she cared about forever. Mom is upset (not at me that I know of) and I feel a little badly that I knew. Thoughts?

Signed, No Regerts

Dear No Regerts,

Why do you want to go and feel bad about something that has nothing to do with you? The daughter is an adult. Had you ratted her out to her mother, that’s when you could start feeling crappy about your behavior. Who cares about any one thing forever? We have lasers and coverup artists to deal with our most serious mishaps. I love seeing the progression of one’s life through the years of mismatched ink on their bodies. You did the right thing and this young woman will continue trusting you and coming to you for guidance, which is worth a lot more than the absence of a stamp tramp.

Dear Alice,

I have a friend who has recently started dating a man she met on the internet. He is very nice and a complete classical music nut. She doesn't know Beethoven from Bupkis. He invited her to a concert of Mahler's fifth an unbelievably long and demanding piece of music. She doesn't know what she is in for. He could have started her off with something much easier that she could actually enjoy: What is the message here?
Signed, Not Quite Tone Deaf.

Dear Not Quite Tone Deaf,

This guy may be tone deaf to the effects Mahler overload has on a layman, but he also could be super excited to share something he loves so much with his new lady friend, which is a very sweet thought. Your first impressions have been positive, so I am thinking his intentions although misguided, are pure. Be a friend and prepare your pal for a long and possibly tedious concert. Whether her experience with the concert is negative or positive, the way she communicates this to him will be the making or breaking of the relationship.

Adendum: Alice’s sister is in town and has something to add: It’s wonderful this man wants to share his passion with your friend. The real question is why do you think there is a hidden message? Why does this trigger you? Jelly much?

Aug / September
31st - 06th

Dear Alice,

We are working on a new gravel cycling guide book with Ulster County Tourism, and a have a great ride that will start and finish in Pine Hill. This new Gravel Adventure Field Guide will launch in Mid October with a party in Kingston. Do you have any suggestions for party favors?
Signed, Party Planner

Dear Party Planner,

Well, Pine Hill sure is a perfect location for a sport that needs unpaved surfaces. Party favors you ask? Little plastic stuff ends up in the trash, and since you are promoting an outdoor activity I’d focus on more environmentally friendly items. “Trail” - yummy trail mix. “Gravel” - check out candy that looks like little rocks, very cool. These items can be in individual bags sealed with custom stickers with the name of the Field Guide on it. Or how about ROAD RASH temporary tattoos for all the guests, FUN!

Dear Alice,

I live in a nice cul de sac where all the kids including mine run around and play together. There are probably 30 kids under the age of 14. There is a family of three girls up the street, the eldest is 8 and is the terror of the neighborhood. She terrorizes all the younger children, including mine. Her parents have made off hand comments but seem to excuse her behavior. What should I do?
Signed, I Hate This Kid.

Dear I Hate This Kid,

There must be other parents in your hood that have noticed bad behavior coming from this child. I would speak with some of them and gather intel. The terror’s parents obviously notice that their child is having issues, since you mentioned they have made comments. And they may already be discussing privately how to deal with her, especially since they have two younger children living in the house with a sociopath. I would speak with both the parents together, start by asking if their child is OK, so they don’t feel attacked. Explain that you are asking because….go on to list a few of the worst stories from the neighborhood. Don’t offer any advice, just state the facts. Continue to let your children know that they do not have to hang out with this girl, and that you do not approve of her behavior.