July / August
27th - 02nd
Dear Alice,
Do you think it’s ok to sell family heirlooms? As in jewelry? I inherited something I will never wear, I have no kids, and I am health aide for work so I’m barely able to pay rent. I do have a nephew, but he probably doesn’t want the ring either and I don’t like my ex-sister in law. What should I do?
Signed, to sell or not to sell
Dear to Sell or Not to Sell,
Don’t worry - nobody needs to give anything to a dreaded EX sister-in-law. I do think you can sell family heirlooms. They were passed down to you not as a burden but as a gift. And since it is something you will never wear, absolutely sell it. If it is worth a sizable amount of money, have a plan. Invest a portion for your future so the inheritance can be a gift that keeps on giving. If it is not worth much, trade it for something you would wear and enjoy.
Dear Alice,
When Trump got elected for the second time I stopped recycling. I lost my will to care about the world knowing large corporations were killing wolf pups and building pipe lines and destroying the planet in ways my Spindrift soda can was not. Do I need to care or can I take this term off and care again later?
Dear Who Cares,
I think you should start caring again sooner than later. The planet needs you now, more than ever. Aluminum recycling is highly efficient. Spindrift is rated as an eco-friendly company, so you are already half way there. Don’t let Trump win by bailing on your core values, that’s exactly what his administration wants you to do.
Dear Alice,
I have a friend who needs constant attention when she comes to visit...everything seems to revolve around her: "Can I borrow your yoga mat?”, "I need you to buy more milk for my coffee”, "I need to walk two miles in the middle of the day each day". I love my friend, but her needs seem to impinge upon my time to the extent that I'm constantly interrupted. How do I still have her come visit but keep my sanity without insulting her?
Dear Friend,
Set some boundaries before she visits. Ask her to send a list of items she would like in the fridge before she arrives and let her know in that same conversation that there is a grocery store she can walk to, to pick up any extra stuff. Give her your schedule in advance. And for god’s sake, cap the visit to two days max!
Dear Alice
.
Where is the swimming hole in Phoenicia??
Dear Once you find it, PLEASE keep it to yourself,
I once was on the volunteer cleaning crew of a “secret” swimming hole that had been leaked to a NYC newspaper. It was the second most disgusting experience of my life. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead”.
July
20th - 26th
Dear Alice,
So I just found out my husband has been telling his coworkers that he's lactose intolerant. He's not. He just doesn't want to participate in the office ice cream socials because he thinks it’s "stupid" he's not "5 year old" and hates most of his co-workers. This has been going on for 3 years. HR sent a memo saying that starting in September they are installing a dairy free soft serve machine next to the one they already have. The company is making it a big deal how Dave (my husband) is the perfect example for diversity and inclusion. The CEO is coming and they are naming the new machine “Dave". I told him to come clean and make it a joke but he is ready to quit his job! Help us out of this sticky situation.
Signed, People intolerant
Dear Intolerant,
WOW, I guess this newly "AWOKEN" company doesn’t know about ADA compliance (disclosing and/or announcing your husband’s "medical condition" is a real corporate no-no). He should sue for bullying!
Since Dave doesn’t actually have a lactose issue, perhaps Munchausen Syndrome is a more accurate diagnosis. He should NOT COME CLEAN - unless it’s to come clean the soft-serve machines which if not sanitized properly are breeding grounds for listeria, salmonella and all sorts of other things I can’t spell. Your husband should quite quit until he is laid off, get a nice severance and spend the rest of his days at home, blissfully eating copious amounts of cheese.
Dear Alice,
Am I supposed to love my friends’ children? I try so hard, but honestly, I do not understand how these perfectly nice adults managed to pop out such thugs! It’s unbelievable. They run around like little spoiled maniacs, blatantly lie to their parents faces, throw things, are mean to the cat, and I swear their parents don’t see a single thing wrong with any of it. And they expect me to giggle and say how cute these monsters are! I try, I really do, but I hate lying. Have I lost my mind? I feel like I lost my friends, that’s for sure! I hope I’m not just being smug because I chose not to reproduce…
Signed, childless and baffled
Dear Childless and Baffled.
I agree, kids are gross and annoying. We were kids once, and we were gross and annoying. Our parents (for the most part) loved us, and in turn - we turned out GREAT. Let’s appreciate the love these “perfectly nice adults” have for their children, because the one’s with the good foundation will be running the world one day (IN OUR LIFETIME). It’s okay for you to not like them. They need to know that their shit actually does STINK. You are playing an important role in their NOT EVERY CHILD GETS A GOLD STAR rearing. It’s takes a VILLAGE!
Dear Alice,
I hate fruit. I’ve always hated fruit. I hate the seeds, the peels, the weird way it gets brown if it sits there. I hate the pressure I feel to eat it because it’s good for me. I KNOW IT IS GOOD FOR ME, but I don’t like it unless it becomes jam and sits on top of peanut butter. What can I do??
Signed, scurvy girl
Dear Scurvy Girl,
Whatever. Fruit is overrated. Eat more veggies (which are typically more nutrient dense anyway) to make up for any deficits.
July
13th - 19th
Dear Alice,
My brother has real, legitimate health issues. He texts me with vague and cryptic messages, just enough to cause me to be worried, but not enough info to engage with me in a meaningful way or to let me know how to help support him. It's frustrating and I'm left wondering what the real story is. How can I express my frustration with his lack of communication but not cause additional stress on him?
Dear Concerned Sib,
Maybe your brother's communication skills suck or maybe he gets off on manipulating you. Either way, sounds like you want to help out in whatever way you can. Forget trying to get more information from him, and be specific in what you can do for him. For example, “Hey bro - I can drive you to your appointments any time next week if you give me two days notice”. Or “Hey bro - I’m sending groceries over to your place when you get home from surgery.” Be available emotionally if and when he is ready to be more forthcoming. Maybe what he shares about his health is the only thing left that he has control over. Give him a pass and keep sending him your non-judgmental love.
Dear Alice
Recently I had a discussion with a friend about the quality of something that was built by the Amish. I had a very bad experience with poor craftsmanship and broken promises. She insisted that they couldn't have been Amish because she "knows many" and she had only had good experiences with them. I guess the name Amish and the outfits isn't a clue they are. So here's my question. For my birthday she gave me a bag of unpoped Amish popcorn. Was it a gift or a jab.
Signed, Popping Mad
Dear Popping,
Lighten up, it’s funny either way. Take it as a gift as well a jab between friends. Your friend is giving a nod to your past conversation. When it’s time for you to give her a gift, give her a coloring book with images of Amish along side non-Amish, to help her identify who’s who in the future.
July
6th - 12th
Dear Alice,
I work closely with someone who is very good at her job. Yet at the same time she is extremely annoying. She talks incessantly, has a habit of twirling her hair constantly, is desperate for praise and worst of all, her eye brow arc is in the wrong place! How can I appreciate the good work she does and stop being such a bitch about her personality?
Dear Co-Worker,
Sounds like you already appreciate the good work she is doing, so that’s settled. You may have to dig deep for the next ask. Is she a threat to you in any way? Are some of her traits similar to ones you secretly dislike about yourself? I mean, I am NOT suggesting YOU have a misplaced eyebrow, but maybe that wouldn’t be so bothersome if you didn’t unconsciously find her mirroring some of your own flaws. BUT, being desperate for praise is a universally annoying trait, and once someone becomes annoying it’s not hard to find everything about them annoying, even the fact that they are good at their job. Take some pity on her and when she asks for praise try to shift her focus on internal validation, you may actually help to cure this insecure pest!
Dear Alice,
I go out of my way to rescue stray dogs. Yet I step over homeless people without a care. Why is this?
Dear Without a Care,
My bet is you have had a rough go at receiving emotional support from humans. Dogs don’t ask for anything in return for their love. Homeless people are on the opposite side of the unconditional love spectrum, since they need almost everything you could have to offer. There are plenty of people who will stop to help the humans in need, so keep saving the pups guilt free - the world desperately needs your kind of kindness and we thank you.
Dear Alice,
My sister is a burning hot dumpster fire mess. Addicted, unhoused, unemployed, lies constantly, and can be super mean and verbally abusive to our parents. She is a grown woman with a teenager and a master’s degree, btw. The same parents that she abuses on a semiregular basis, bail her out of literally everything. They’ve spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on her, which she does not appreciate and has no trouble asking for more-time and again. They’ve bailed her out of jail, have been paying for her car payments, storage space, paid to get her car out of repo, and paid for a lawyer to get a divorce…to name but a few instances. She is super happy to take the money, and then she will abuse them yet again! We have tried everything to help her addiction but she won’t listen. I try really hard not to be resentful of the amount of time, effort, resources, and energy my parents spend on this futile situation, but sometimes I cannot help myself. I feel like I’m being petty, but the amount of resources and effort they throw my way is microscopic in comparison. I guess I wouldn’t be so upset if she made some kind of attempt to get well and stop the cycle, but she does not do that. Am I a terrible and petty person? I try and be compassionate, but sometimes it just bugs the shit out of me. help! Signed, “try not to forget my birthday this year”
Dear Forgotten,
Your sister seems to have some sort of personality disorder. She is self medicating and probably has a grandiose sense of self, convincing herself she deserves the handouts - payback for the “terrible" childhood your parents inflicted upon her. She is toxic, and for now, giving yourself a bit of distance might be your best bet. As far as your parents are concerned, I would have a frank conversation with them. Focus on you not your sister. She is their child and they will do everything they can to see her not fail, that’s just the nature of parenthood. Tell them that the unequal financial support is causing you emotional pain. Your parents may not see it that way, they may be thinking even though the support isn’t equal it’s fair, in their eye’s your sister’s needs are greater than yours. Although you understand that their support of your sister has more to do with their guilt about how she has turned out rather than a show of love, explain to them that you are feeling resentful and you’d like to discuss ways to rectify the situation.
If they are open to it maybe sit down with a mediator or estate planner AND MAKE SURE YOUR sister is NOT invited to this meeting.
June / July
29th - 5th
Dear Alice,
My mother-in-law to be just showed me the dress she picked for my wedding. To my horror it’s a champagne colored sequin fishtail gown. It’s a casual country wedding in a barn! She looks like the bride. How do I ask her to tone down the dress?
-Sartorially Savvy Lady
Dear Sartorially Savvy,
May I start by saying “Sartorial” is the BEST WORD EVER!
Ahhh, Mother-in-Laws, where do we begin. Let’s skip a conversation about the sequins and tell your mother-in-law you would like to spend the day with her to do some pre-wedding shopping, and that you would like to be part of selecting the “Mother of the Groom (or other Bride?)” dress. Frame it in a positive way. If there is any pushback on her not wearing the champagne sequined gown tell her she can join you at the Mermaid Parade after-parties next year and she will get to wear it then.
Dear Alice,
A friend got married a few months ago. The wedding was family only and I wasn’t invited (which was totally fine and to be expected). A few weeks ago I received a photo of the happy couple with a request for wedding gifts- specifically money towards the honeymoon (which also was a few months ago). Is this proper wedding etiquette? I’m confused but want to do the right thing.
-Wondering Non-Guest
Dear Wondering,
Stop wondering, your friends are lame and tacky. It is 100% not proper wedding etiquette to ASK for a gift, period - invited or not. If you want to do the right thing you send them a congratulations note wishing them a healthy and happy life together. Now, that’s not what I would do. I would never speak to them again and talk shit about them until the day I die, but that’s me. You do you.
Dear Alice,
My grand-niece got married last year. I was unable to attend, but sent her a thoughtful (and quite expensive) gift from her registry. 10 months later I still haven’t received a thank you. Am I wrong to feel miffed?
- Great Aunt
Dear Auntie,
You feel how you feel, no right or wrong there. 10 months means you aren’t getting a thank you (standard these days is up to 3 months post-wedding). A few things could have happened. One, they never received the gift. Two, they sent you a thank you and it was lost in the mail. USPS and the like suck balls these days. Three, they are young and entitled and have no manners. At this point you should ask them if they received the gift. If you want to be tactful say, “just wanted to make sure you received the gift, I am cleaning up and came across the receipt.” If you want to be snarky…..well, I am sure you can figure out what to say…..
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